Reaching the ‘Almost Got Sick’ State of Mind

James L. Davis

With summer officially here it is time for the family to plan its annual pilgrimage to Lagoon, which means there is a distinct possibility that someone is going to be ill and I hope it is me.

I hope it is me because I have realized that all these years of making trips to amusement parks I have been doing everything wrong. I have done my best to not get sick, when in fact I should have been trying to become sick. I believe I have denied myself an almost religious experience by trying to avoid becoming ill.

At its core that is what a trip to an amusement park is all about, the possibility of becoming ill. That is why the rides are engineered in such a fashion that at one point or another your internal organs actually have the possibility of exiting your body for a moment or two. The possibility of seeing your internal organs hurtling through time and space beside you could make you a little sick to your stomach, especially if it is your stomach flying beside you. It seems that almost becoming sick on a ride is why many people go to amusement parks. I never understood that until recently, when I realized that by almost becoming ill you in fact reach some higher plane of existence.

To almost become sick is the goal of many an amusement park pilgrim. It is a state of enlightenment known as “Almost Got Sick.” While it isn’t as all encompassing as “Got Sick,” it is preferable because it doesn’t require a change of clothes for you or your Helpmate.

Apparently for pilgrims searching for the state of Almost Got Sick, they have a Helpmate who accompanies them on their journey to Almost Got Sick Nirvana. To reach this state requires careful planning and the consumption of large quantities of food that you would not normally eat if you were planning to be shaken silly.

Amusement parks, in an effort to help pilgrims reaching for Almost Got Sick status, do their best to help by offering greasy French fries, hamburgers, buttery corn, cotton candy, ice cream, large quantities of carbonated soda and many other food items that will help you reach the state of Almost Got Sick, sometimes without even having to go on a ride.

On any typical day at an amusement park you can watch the pilgrims of Almost Got Sick shovel the stuff up by the bucketful. When they are filled almost to the point of exploding they will rush to the nearest amusement park ride, something like the roller coaster or the Wild Mouse, or the Blaster. They will strap themselves into the ride, smile lovingly at their Helpmate, who has been chosen as their guide to the state of Almost Got Sick and wait for the ride to start.

Just before the ride begins you can watch the expression on their faces and if you watch closely enough you can detect a hint of the turmoil taking place as they prepare to have their consciousness expanded and their stomach twisted. They smile a weak smile and their Helpmate sitting beside them will smile back and on occasion you can catch one of the Helpmates practicing their defensive maneuver, which involves throwing your hands over your face and screaming loudly, just in case the pilgrim of Almost Got Sick reaches the plane of Got Sick.

When the ride starts spinning (or gyrating or rocketing or whatever the ride does in an attempt to help you on your journey), you can see those approaching the Nirvana that is Almost Got Sick. You can spot them because they are no longer their natural color. They are gray or green or perhaps even a little blue and their eyes are quite large, often two or three times their natural size. Their mouths are distorted into a smile/scream and their hands are clenched tightly to whatever happens to be close at hand, either the ride handles or perhaps the arm or neck of their Helpmate.

When the ride comes to an end someone who has approached Almost Got Sick state are so close to enlightenment that oftentimes they cannot even walk straight and have to be escorted off the ride by their Helpmate. As they exit the ride you can hear them as they repeat the litany “I Almost Got Sick,” to which their Helpmate will respond “I know you almost got sick,” or “I thought you were going to be sick.”

Now that I realize what a beautiful experience I have been missing by trying to avoid getting sick at an amusement park I will endeavor to do better this year. I will make my next trip with a renewed sense of purpose. I will consume as much greasy, buttery and sweet foods as I can and strap myself into whatever ride most closely resembles a blender to see if I can experience the joy of Almost Got Sick. I will ask my wife to accompany me as my Helpmate.

She’ll be thrilled I’m sure.